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Saturday, 05/17/2008
No More Summer Camp, It’s Back to School Reality 101 For the Vikings
Mookie Anderson
9/4/2001
It's the time of year that inspired Hollywood to make Rodney Dangefield do a Triple Lindy into a pool and Adam Sandler to proclaim that his 3rd grade teacher was soooooo hot! Yes, it’s that time of year where all eligible students from Kindergarten to seniors all go BACK TO SCHOOL!
For the NFL Back to School means that the bogus pre-season is finally over and it's players will be asked to play for keeps. For the Minnesota Vikings a perfect 4-0-exhibition schedule gets chucked out the window and Principal/Headmaster/Professor Dennis Green has successfully orientated his freshman class and new staff.
Getting ready for school these days is a lot more complicated than buying new pens and notebooks! Students look for software programs and tutorials, which help them prepare for their upcoming academic years. Getting ready for an NFL season requires more time in the training room, scouting, and utilizing the technology available for the team’s benefit. Players, coaches and staff search for every advantage they can to improve in the classroom called NFL Game Day.
As we all wait to find out the fates of our favorite teams in this NFL school year, here is my pre-season assessment of the Vikings, along with my recommendations for the school supplies that will help the Vikings conquer the most difficult classroom schedule in the NFL!
Head of the Class: Daunte Culpepper
ESPN’s Breakthrough Athlete of the Year for ‘00, Daunte enters his 3rd NFL season as the best quarterback in the NFL. Everyone now compares their Quarterback to this Pro Bowl starter as he has set the standard for all renaissance play callers.
For Daunte, I recommend that he buy himself a good Academic Planner and Trapper Keeper because he’s going to need to keep track of all interview requests from the National Media this season. Daunte is so popular these days that he even appears on the cover of John Madden’s PlayStation video game. You can’t pick up a pre-season guide without reading a feature about the NFL’s newest quarterback cover boy.
Valedictorian: Cris Carter
I know a lot of people will question my choice of Carter as being the smartest Viking because Pro Bowl Center Matt Birk is a graduate of Harvard. However the choice of school doesn’t necessarily measure the intelligence of the scholar. CC gets the nod as valedictorian of the Vikings because he is the smart one for keeping his body in such great shape for so many years.
People like Cris Carter should be team leaders and assume the teachers role. Therefore I give CC The Scholastic Teacher Plan Book because the more exposure he gets to the teacher’s profession, the better off his potential students will be. Anyone that can revolutionize the art of off-season training for the body, will certainly be able spark the sponge-like minds of rookie students.
Teacher’s Pet: Byron Chamberlain
When asked recently about playing for his new Head Coach Dennis Green, Chamberlain responded, “Oh, I love it. That is one the main reasons I am here. He just made me feel so comfortable and let me know that I'm going to be his guy at tight end.” Apparently the Head Coach agrees as he so recently reciprocated the admiration worthy a Teacher’s Pet. Coach Green has been quoted as stating that he expects to make Chamberlain a primary target this season with the TE catching up to 50 passes.
For the new teacher’s pet, I recommend a Texas Instrument Calculator so he can keep track of all the stats he’ll be racking up in Minnesota.
Most Likely to Succeed: Randy Moss
“Excluding nobody, I'm the best player in the National Football League." Yes, it’s true; Moss is now proclaiming his greatness to the league with confidence. Guess what, he is absolutely 100% correct, and if you don’t believe him look at the numbers. If you compare Moss to the NFL’s All-Time Best WR Jerry Rice at the start of his 4th year in the league you will see that Moss is ahead in all categories:
Touchdowns: Moss 43, Rice 40
Catches: Moss 226, Rice 200
Yards: Moss 4, 163, Rice 3,575
Avg Catch: Moss 18.4, Rice 17.9
For Moss, I suggest a whole career’s supply of Avery Hi-Liters so he can he highlight his name in every article written about the Vikings, or NFL wide receivers from here until the end of time. Yes folks, he is that good.
Homecoming King: Jake Reed
After a year away playing for the Bourbon Street Boys in New Orleans, Jake Reed returns to the Vikings and re-unites the “Three Deep” wide receiver threat that was so prominent in ’98 and ’99. With Moss, Carter and Reed the Vikings have the best trio of receivers in the NFL, but Reed’s homecoming was also supposed to lead to defensive help. The league was supposed to reinstate Reed’s brother, Denver Cornerback, Dale Carter, and he was supposed to sign with Minnesota. That hasn’t happened. However Reed’s return makes everyone feel good none-the-less.
For Jake Reed, I suggest he buy an MP3 player so he can listen to the old Welcome Back Kotter theme song over and over and over again.
Class Clown: Twin Cities Vikings Columnists
This is a story long overdue, but it’s a well-known speculation that the local Twin Cities media has not been kind to the Vikings, particularly during the Dennis Green era. Coach Green even once told a national TV sideline reporter during a playoff game that he knew of a conspiracy by Twin Cities media to have him “run out of town.” No, I don’t think there is an organized conspiracy, but there is evidence of disdain for Coach Green in their essays. When I heard that certain columnists were high-fiving each other during the Vikings 41-0 loss to Giants in last years NFC championship game, I lost all respect. Simply put these idiots make their living by writing about Pro Sports in their city. If they are that miserable with their jobs, to celebrate the defeat and misery of their reader’s favorite team, then they deserve to be called classless clowns.
For these so-called professional writers, I suggest that they all buy some bubbles and face-paint so they can act like the clowns they are when they show up in the press boxes of the NFL this season.
Teacher of the Year: Willie Shaw
Remember that one class that had the drill-sergeant type teacher? The same one that everyone hated to attend, but benefited the most from years down the road? Well that course this year is being taught by Willie Shaw, the new Vikings Defensive Back Coach. So far the results show great improvement as the Vikings ended preseason with as many interceptions they had for the entire regular season in ’01. Shaw brings a hard-nosed instructor’s mentality with high expectancies from his students.
For professor Shaw, I recommend the latest Encarta College Dictionary. The last time the Vikings had an Assistant Coach with such high regard, the media blitzed him with interview requests and Brian Billick talked like a walking computer. Talked so slick did he, that he landed a job as head coach for the Baltimore Ravens. If Shaw works his magic with this unit, you can expect that he will be the subject of much acclaim.
I love this time of year. All the school supplies for the Vikings fall semester have been purchased. The Back to school sale has ended for the NFL. Now they may tinker by claiming a player or two off the waiver wire prior to Sunday. The Minnesota State Fair ended on Labor Day and soon we will see if all the extra studying for the Vikings this last off-season and summer are enough to take them to the head of the
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